Sunday, September 16, 2012

Really Discouraged

I left home from work this morning really discouraged with a lot of things.  Things are really difficult right now.  I'm ready to be done with night shift, but still have another month to go.  I haven't done much of anything as far as exercise in at least a month.  There were a lot of interruptions and changes and I just gave up.  I kept telling myself that as soon as Grayson was here things would calm down and I could get really serious about it all.  Kind of a funny statement there, huh?  As soon as a newborn child gets here my life will calm down.  Well it won't.

And now I've rewritten this post 3 or 4 times and after reading it I'm still not sure what I'm trying to say.  It's a really difficult time for me right now and it's really dragging my spirit through the mud.  It comes to a point where I've tried to change my lifestyle 3 or 4 times now and it just keeps getting put on the back burner.  You REALLY want to give up at that point.  You keep telling yourself that you keep failing so what's the point of going on?  I really feel like I'm lying to myself time and time again, so why lie to myself?  It's time to be honest with myself.  I keep dropping the ball on this, committing to this blog and committing to a healthier version of me.  I keep imagining that I'm at war with someone or something.  And whatever forces that are out there that are battling against me keep winning.  It's eating at me and is a huge cause for my depression right now.  The silly part is it's just me; I'm at war with myself.  The REALLY stupid part is I have the capabilities to win.

For those people that have been healthy their whole lives, this is why it's hard for people to get in shape.  Because you will try, and try, and try, and fail each time.  By the 3rd or 4th time, whatever words you use to motivate yourself starts to feel like lies.  You start to feel like each time you say, "This will be the time" it feels fake.  You ask yourself "What about the time before?  Or before that?  Or before that?  Or before that?  Or before that?  You've heard this all before."  You become discouraged because you feel like you're lying to yourself, that you're a fake person and everyone around you can see it.  Everytime you tell them "this will be the time."  They roll their eyes at you and say, "sure it is."

None of it really matters, because I have to do it again.  I got to say the same words I use to motivate myself to do it, even if I believe I'm lying to myself.  And maybe I'll fail a few more times.  Maybe people will even start to say how I'm fake.  That doesn't matter because none of them can be a bigger critic of myself than I am.  So here I am again, trying to motivate myself to get in shape again.  Maybe I will fail again, maybe this will be the time I actually succeed.  It also doesn't matter because if I fail again I'll just pick myself back up and start over again.  Because in this case, even if I would be honest with myself by giving up, it's far worse than lying to myself and never giving up.

8 comments:

  1. I'm sorry Jordan, we both know how hard it is. Working nights add that whole different aspect that is even worse. So the Vitamin D is crucial for you. It can help with your mood if nothing else. On the other hand we are here for you. With a new baby it does add a different twist too, but instead of a run maybe you can take the baby and do a bit of a walk when the weather is nice and give Steph a break. I don't know. I wish I knew some of what I know now, but at the same time I know how hard it is. Just keep reminding youself, time will still go by and what choices will effect you 6 months from now, and which ones won't, good or bad. I know you will find something that works for you.

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  2. I know for Sean & I we have had to really work to make the time to exercise and make our "me" time. With kids it is so hard to fit that in but it is so important! Maybe you and Steph could alternate your "me" times, that's what we do. Sean goes in the mornings before work on certain days and I go at night after the kids are in bed on certain days. That obviously just works for us but maybe there is a system that will work for you guys. I'm sure getting off nights will help a lot. Keep trying, even if you fail at least you are picking yourself up and trying again and not giving up.

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  3. Steph us actually really good about letting me go workout. It's not her it's me. Mostly I feel guilty leaving her alone when she may need help. But it if I were to ask her she'd totally let me leave to go work out.

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  4. Jordan you can totally do this! And I cannot wait to have this kid out of my body so that I can move again...and you won't have to clip my toe nails anymore and we can exercise together and work together on this. I am so excited to get back in shape and we can motivate each other, it's going to be great! Especially when you're off night shift, you are so close just hang in there.

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  5. Tanya and I will be the last to say "Hey, it's all just excuses, because this isn't an easy thing to do. If it was easy EVERYONE would do it. I would say don't put so much on yourself. Make the goal less.. let's say.. 30 minutes to go walk/run or think about doing what Tanya and I do and get a kettleball or weights and do it all at home.

    Don't think it all has to be all or nothing. I still think 90 percent of this is diet for most of us, and that part is something you two can definitely work on together- we will support you in whatever way of eating you all choose.

    But don't get down on yourself. I sure won't do it to you, or any of your siblings.. because life has a way of just happening :)

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  6. Oh, and I have had a really off week too. So it happens. I need to get my eating focus back, and as soon as my neck stops hurting I can lift weights again. Bleh. So what little you can do is a plus. I know it is those night shifts talking to you. We have discussed it before. Loved the shift, but hated what it did to my body. Years later my adrenal glands are still pretty poor functioning. How can I tell? My 1 hour walk in the morning can wipe me out the rest of the day. Little changes. For me I have always had to do the workouts before I could think about the eating. You might need a different focus. We are here for you to cheer you on.

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  7. Jordan you can do it. I know for me I make excuses why not to exercise. I keep finding something to put a time on it. Like okay once I'm done pumping I'm going to do this. That is my biggest struggle right now. I have a hard time finding "me" time that isn't in the closet reading while I pump.
    It is hard, but don't be too down on yourself. You can do it.

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