I left home from work this morning really discouraged with a lot of things. Things are really difficult right now. I'm ready to be done with night shift, but still have another month to go. I haven't done much of anything as far as exercise in at least a month. There were a lot of interruptions and changes and I just gave up. I kept telling myself that as soon as Grayson was here things would calm down and I could get really serious about it all. Kind of a funny statement there, huh? As soon as a newborn child gets here my life will calm down. Well it won't.
And now I've rewritten this post 3 or 4 times and after reading it I'm still not sure what I'm trying to say. It's a really difficult time for me right now and it's really dragging my spirit through the mud. It comes to a point where I've tried to change my lifestyle 3 or 4 times now and it just keeps getting put on the back burner. You REALLY want to give up at that point. You keep telling yourself that you keep failing so what's the point of going on? I really feel like I'm lying to myself time and time again, so why lie to myself? It's time to be honest with myself. I keep dropping the ball on this, committing to this blog and committing to a healthier version of me. I keep imagining that I'm at war with someone or something. And whatever forces that are out there that are battling against me keep winning. It's eating at me and is a huge cause for my depression right now. The silly part is it's just me; I'm at war with myself. The REALLY stupid part is I have the capabilities to win.
For those people that have been healthy their whole lives, this is why it's hard for people to get in shape. Because you will try, and try, and try, and fail each time. By the 3rd or 4th time, whatever words you use to motivate yourself starts to feel like lies. You start to feel like each time you say, "This will be the time" it feels fake. You ask yourself "What about the time before? Or before that? Or before that? Or before that? Or before that? You've heard this all before." You become discouraged because you feel like you're lying to yourself, that you're a fake person and everyone around you can see it. Everytime you tell them "this will be the time." They roll their eyes at you and say, "sure it is."
None of it really matters, because I have to do it again. I got to say the same words I use to motivate myself to do it, even if I believe I'm lying to myself. And maybe I'll fail a few more times. Maybe people will even start to say how I'm fake. That doesn't matter because none of them can be a bigger critic of myself than I am. So here I am again, trying to motivate myself to get in shape again. Maybe I will fail again, maybe this will be the time I actually succeed. It also doesn't matter because if I fail again I'll just pick myself back up and start over again. Because in this case, even if I would be honest with myself by giving up, it's far worse than lying to myself and never giving up.